


Bad Pickup Lines for Fun and Profit

by orphan_account



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Blow Jobs, Coming In Pants, Hand Jobs, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-30
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-26 17:12:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12562236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “Since you didsucha good job blowing me, I'll let you pick. I can use my hands, or…” He licks his lips, slow and deliberate, eyes locked on Kravitz, “I can use my mouth.”





	Bad Pickup Lines for Fun and Profit

They’re sitting in the common room, Taako splayed out on the couch, feet in Kravitz’s lap. It’s the end of an all-day date- is it even technically a date if it goes on for this long?- and Kravitz is listening to Taako list off the worst pickup lines he’s ever gotten. 

“-I mean, ‘can I visit you between the holidays?’ Are you kidding? Homie, Taako’s got _standards_.”

“That's pretty bad. I bet I could do worse, though.”

Taako cocks his head, grinning. “Okay, big man, let's hear it.”

“Okay. Alright… here goes. I ate all my vegetables at dinner, so…” He bats his eyelashes, “I think I've earned dessert.”

Taako starts laughing so hard tears well up in his eyes.

“What the actual fuck, Krav? What is that? What kind of people are you trying to pick up, like, what's your demographic? Holy shit!”

“I _told_ you I could do worse.”

“Listen, I'm about to tell you the same thing I tell Merle: just because it pops into your head doesn't mean you have to say it.”

“Okay, but did it work?”

“Huh?”

“Am I going to get... dessert?” He winks exaggeratedly, and Taako rolls his eyes.

“Well yeah, obvs, but never fuckin’ say something that awful to me ever again.”

“We'll see.”

Taako makes a derisive noise, but pulls his feet under him and leans in for a kiss all the same. Kravitz’s lips aren't cold, not like usual. They're not warm either, but Taako doesn't get the distinct sensation he's kissing a corpse. It helps that they've spent nearly the whole day together- it takes a while for Kravitz’s corporeal form to remember how to be alive, but once his heart starts pumping, he warms up just fine. They've even gotten him to almost-human temperatures. Elves run hotter than most other races so Kravitz is fairly sure he'll never match Taako’s body temperature, but as long as Taako can comfortably touch him, he's happy.

And speaking of touching him- Taako’s standing up, pulling Kravitz up with him, then his hands are sneaking down his back, stopping at his hips to pull him in close before resuming their downward trek. Taako doesn't stop until both hands are on his ass, and then he's squeezing, digging his nails in just enough for Kravitz to feel it through his pants. He lets out a surprised giggle, then he's kissing Taako again.

Taako squeezes again as he runs his teeth over Kravitz’s bottom lip, then nips at it just shy of gently. Kravitz opens his mouth, half from the pinpricks of pain and half because he knows this game. He's got a few appearances to put in tomorrow and doesn't need his lips ravaged by sharp elf teeth, as tempting as that sounds.

Taako doesn't waste any time, pressing his tongue into his mouth and making Kravitz groan. Taako’s hands are still on his ass, and he's slowly, purposefully grinding his hips into him. And Kravitz isn't quite hard but at this rate, it won't be long.

And then, Taako is pulling away and it's over. His hands leave Kravitz’s ass, he breaks away from the kiss, and he's backing away. One of his hands finds Kravitz’s tie and yanks, not very hard, but hard enough. He leads Kravitz towards his room, walking backwards and never breaking eye contact. Kravitz licks his lips when he finds them altogether too dry, and watches Taako find the doorknob and turn it without even looking.

As soon as they're both inside, Kravitz closes the door behind him and lets himself be led to the foot of Taako’s bed. Taako sits down, yanks Kravitz in for another hot, intense kiss, and then he's pushing down on his shoulders until he's knelt in front of Taako.

“Still want that dessert?” Taako’s giving him a hungry look, watching him, watching the way he keeps running his tongue over his lips and swallowing.

“Yes, please,” Kravitz whispers, sounding much more reverent and much less teasing than he means to.

“Then come and get it.”

Taako spreads his legs, shifts forward so his hips are on the very edge of the mattress, and lifts the hem of his skirt teasingly. It's so- fuck, but Kravitz loves how he'll just _tell_ him what to, what he _wants_ , how he _knows_ Kravitz will do it. Gods help him, but he loves when Taako bosses him around.

Kravitz leans forward, runs his hands up the outsides of Taako’s thighs and under his skirt, feels where his boxer-briefs start and goes past that, all the way up to his hips and then back down. He's done this before, many times, but he still wants to touch every inch of Taako, wants to feel the warm skin alive under his fingertips and remember this.

His hands stop on Taako’s knees and then they're moving up the tops of his thighs, pushing his skirt up to his hips and hooking his fingers in the waistband of Taako’s underwear. With his legs spread like they are, the wet spot on his underwear is obvious, and Kravitz lets out a low chuckle when he sees it.

“Got a little worked up, huh?”

“Doesn't your mouth have something better to be doing than sassing me?”

Far be it from Kravitz to argue with logic that sound. He peels Taako’s underwear off, as slowly as he can bring himself to, and once they're on the floor behind him, Taako makes a quiet noise and Kravitz grins.

He's so wet, and his dick is hard and pink and begging for Kravitz’s tongue. And Kravitz certainly isn't going to say no. Still, he takes his time, kissing and biting bruises into Taako's thighs as he moves up. He stops just inches away from where Taako wants him so he can suck a particularly dark bruise into his skin- a reminder.

Taako's hands are in his hair, tightening impatiently but not pulling, not yet. And just as he can feel Taako about to yank on his dreads, he presses in and runs his tongue from Taako’s hole to his dick and yeah, he pulls at his hair, _hard_ , but it's a compliment instead of a reprimand. 

Kravitz presses his mouth against him, dragging the flat of his tongue along the underside of Taako’s dick, sucking gently as he does. He feels Taako’s thighs squeeze around him and flicks his tongue against the tip of his cock, fast and light, and Taako hisses out, “Fuck!”

He keeps going until he feels Taako’s nails digging into his scalp, and switches back to licking him with broad, slow strokes. He hears his name, hissed like a curse, and has to smile. There's a dribble of spit and Taako’s wetness that runs down his chin, and he wishes Taako could see it, see how much he's enjoying himself. He moans around the cock in his mouth in an effort to demonstrate his enthusiasm, and judging by the low noise that comes from the back of Taako’s throat, he gets the message.

His hands move from Taako’s thighs to his ass, and he digs his fingers into the soft flesh and pulls him in closer. And Taako- fuck, Taako does exactly what Kravitz was hoping he'd do. He starts bucking his hips, fucking Kravitz’s face, grinding onto his tongue and moaning loud and long. He's got a vice grip on Kravitz’s hair and he's holding his head still so he can fuck Kravitz's face fast and hard.

And Kravitz is a gentleman- he knows when to stop teasing and lets Taako ride his face, listening to the moans and whines that fall from his lips like music. He moans, too, when Taako’s pace starts to falter as he gets close, and that combined with Kravitz wetly tonguing the length of him is enough to have Taako curling in on himself, making a noise like he's had the breath knocked out of him, and gripping Kravitz's locs like they're the last thing keeping him from floating away. Kravitz keeps sucking gently through his orgasm, and only pulls away when Taako lets go of his hair and takes a deep breath in.

Kravitz wipes his mouth and chin with the palm of his hand, and looks up at his boyfriend, stunning with his eyes hazy, lips swollen, and face bright with the most beautiful blush.

Taako takes a few breaths, then says, “Fuck.”

“I take it I did an adequate job?”

He barks out a laugh. “Yeah, just barely. That was one letter grade above being the worst BJ I've ever gotten. Yes, Kravitz, fuck, it was _for sure_ adequate.”

Kravitz starts to get up, but Taako pushes him down with a foot on his chest.

“Dessert ain't over, homie. It's time for round two.”

When he gets pushed back, Kravitz catches himself with his hands, and, he’s still on his knees but his legs are spread wide. From where he’s sat on the bed, Taako can see the outline of his erection in his slacks. He slides his foot down Kravitz's chest and stomach, and places it lightly on the outline of Kravitz's cock.

“Your turn,” he sing-songs, and presses down oh-so-gently. Kravitz hisses underneath him and presses up into the touch.

“You've been such a good boy,” Taako coos, “so good for me. I'm gonna take care of you, mmkay?”

Kravitz nods, watching Taako, and sighs when he pulls his foot away. He's sitting on the bed, looking down at Kravitz, head cocked just slightly. Thinking. Then a smile spreads across his face, and the twisting sensation in Kravitz’s stomach is half nerves, half anticipation.

“I think,” he drawls, “that I wanna see you come apart just like this. You dressed up so nice for me, it'd be a shame to take all those fancy clothes off.”

Oh. The thought of coming in his pants is embarrassing as much as it is enticing. Maybe for the same reason. He nods again, not trusting his mouth to form coherent words at the moment. Taako beams, and he gestures for Kravitz to stand up- an order with which he quickly complies.

“Since you did _such_ a good job blowing me, I'll let you pick. I can use my hands, or…” He licks his lips, slow and deliberate, eyes locked on Kravitz, “I can use my mouth.”

The fact that he doesn't come then and there is a miracle in and of itself. He almost wishes he had, since now he's faced with an impossible choice. Taako’s hands are- dexterous. Clever. Soft, though he supposes that won't really matter here. But his mouth, oh gods, his mouth. Hot and wet, guaranteed to ruin his pants- though that's probably a moot point in this scenario. 

“Hands,” he says, and Taako just looks at him, waiting. “Please.”

The _please_ is barely out of his mouth before Taako is standing, chest pressed against Kravitz’s and one hand resting lightly on his erection. Kravitz’s hips twitch forward before he can stop himself, but Taako, mercifully, strokes down the length of his cock.

As he does it again, strokes him a little firmer this time, Kravitz finds his hands going to Taako’s shoulders, holding himself steady. Then Taako is rubbing his fingers just below the head of his dick and Kravitz is far enough gone that he starts grinding into Taako’s hand, squeezing his shoulders and breathing hard. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knows he should be embarrassed about desperately humping his boyfriend’s hand with his pants still on, and he probably will be later, but right now it’s- it’s good.   
“...so pretty when you’re all wound-up and desperate like this. Mm, Krav, gods, you’re so hard. So good, just for me.” Taako’s mumbling to him as he keeps rubbing him, fingers rubbing over his head and then up enough for him to palm the base of his cock and Kravitz groans, low and quiet, as his hips move faster. 

He’s so close, truly _embarrassingly_ close when Taako licks the shell of his ear and whispers, “Come for me, baby.”

Kravitz does, moaning and shuddering and holding onto Taako as his knees go weak for a second. Taako kisses his cheek, and moves his hand to rest it on Kravitz’s waist.

His underwear are… gross, in a word, and as he comes down from his high, a creeping feeling of mortification sets in. His head is resting on Taako’s shoulder, and the longer he stands there, catching his breath, the more he wants to sink into the floor.

“Woah! What’s the deal with the bones?”

“Wha-?” He looks down and his hands are skeletal against Taako’s blouse. “Ah, fuck.”

“Aw, and we spent so long warming you up, too.”

“Sorry,” he says sheepishly, and gathers himself enough to re-conjure his corporal form.

“‘S okay. It’s cute when you go all bony. Means I did a good job.” He winks.

“You always do a good job,” Kravitz says, still the most embarrassed he’s ever been. The mess in his pants is doubly uncomfortable on just-conjured skin, and he shifts awkwardly. “Do you…?”

“Yeah, hold up. I have some pajama pants you can borrow.”

-

Kravitz ends up in a pair of flannel pajama pants that are several inches too short for him and a t-shirt that clashes horribly. Taako is wrapped around him with two blankets in between them (“Just until we get that skin back to room temp”), and he feels his eyelids getting heavy.

“Thanks,” he mumbles as he closes his eyes.

“For what?”

“Dessert.”

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Twitter @negligCatharsis


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